The Power of Women

I've never really had a lot of female friends, in fact for most of my life I avoided friendships with women like the plague. It was my experience that most women were petty, spiteful, jealous, all things I wanted to avoid, so I did. I was able to count my female friends on one hand, and have fingers left over, most of my female friends today are friends I made in childhood. So I never in a million years would I have imagined that I would have large group of female friends, much less that they would change my life. Yet that is just what happened.

When I began my weight loss journey I was introduced to a marvelous group of women, women who would come to have an enormous effect on my life.  The ladies of Team Dream Big, a group of women from all different walks of life, all on the same journey. These women would become my support group, encouraging me to exercise, to eat clean, to post pictures, pushing me along on the road to health and happiness. They were (and are) relentless, and they played a big role in helping me lose weight and keep it off.

 

At first I was very reluctant to interact with these women, to participate in the groups, and the chats, I just wasn't feeling it. It wasn't me. I was a loner, who often disdained the company of women, I didn't like groups, and I certainly didn't make friends easy. But they kept pushing me, tagging me in comments, pictures, adding me to chats, messaging me just to see how I was doing, it was slowly driving me insane. In an effort to get my coach and friend Carla off my back, I started somewhat participating, I figured they'd leave me alone then. No such luck. Instead they added me to more stuff, and they started cheering me on. Little by little, without me noticing, these persistent women were HELPING me to lose weight, and stay on the right path. I shed 65lbs with them cheering me on and supporting me. They celebrated every small non scale victory with me, they gave me recipes, tips, and ideas, they kept me on point.

By the time I lost the 65lbs I realized that somewhere along the way, this crazy group of women had become my friends. We shared our ups (graduations, pregnancies, promotions, engagements), and our downs (death, divorce, depression) with each other. If one of us was having a hard time, we were all there to help, to listen, to pray. We had created a circle of friendship unlike anything I have ever seen, women empowering women. We are in constant contact with each other, cheering each other on, and really supporting each other.

I no longer mind posting in the groups, or the constant chats popping up. I find myself looking forward to talking to these women, to sharing my day with them. They pushed me toward personal development, and keep me accountable, with my goals clearly in mind. They are there to catch me should I falter (and I will) on my weight loss journey. The accept me for me, and we embrace each others differences.

I never imagined the power of female friendships, and what it would do to transform my life. In the short span of time that I have known these women they have helped me change into a better person. They helped me lose weight, find my passion for helping people, they helped open my eyes to new possibilities, they helped me learn to run a business, they helped me learn to love myself, and every day they help me become a better version of myself.

So this blog is to you, my crazy, wonderful, amazing team. You powerful Big Dreamers, I couldn't have done this, or come this far without your help. Your constant pushing and sometimes nagging (That's you I'm talking to Elizabeth) has made me a much better person, and please don't ever stop. I love every single one of you and could not imagine being on this journey without you.

Carla you saved me when you reached out to help, Michelle your leadership keeps this ship afloat, Amber your transformation (physical and mental) is inspiring. Erika your food prep pictures are how I learned how to do it, so thank you. Qiana I could not live without your wit, or your delicious recipes. Katie, your nerdiness, and love of all things LOTR and Star Trek make you a jewel in my eyes. Kenita, Yoly, Sasha, Diana, Alicia  I have loved watching your transformations as well. Desiree, what can I say, I love the hair. Cindy, you make me cry with your blog, and inspire me with your strength. Last but certainly not least, my wonderful success partner, Elizabeth, you will nag me all the way to perfection. Thank you, I need it. I love you all, and love being on this crazy journey with all of you. Everyone should be so lucky as to have a group of women like you in there corner.

Twice in a lifetime

Most people spend their whole lives looking for "true love", many times missing it because they fail to see the forest through the trees. I've been lucky enough to find it twice. I've had two men come into my life and fill it with a love so true it sets my world on fire. One of these men is the man I am marrying this summer, the other is a man I was with for fifteen years. Two amazing love stories, in the middle of an ordinary life.

I met the first love of my life, Mark, when we were in High School (I was 16), through a mutual friend. We were completely different individuals, I came from a big loving family, and lived in a nice neighborhood. He came from a small private family, and a neighborhood in Brooklyn that I wasn't even allowed to go to. I was devouring all the books I could find, while he cut class, and spent his weekends tagging up train stations. We were two kids from different worlds, but with similar ideas about where we wanted our future to go. We fell deeply in love, a love so bright it consumed everything else in my life.

Mark graduated high school a year before me, and enlisted in the Army. I missed him like crazy, but we had a plan, one that included getting married, and living on base. Life had other ideas. He was away for a year, and one day while on assignment, he was severely injured. The injury resulted in the loss of his left eye. He was flown into Walter Reed , and surgery was done to remove his beautiful, but now damaged eye. I was in shock, and devastated that I wasn't by his side. His parents where flying down, and they offered to pay for my ticket, if my parents would allow me to go. I remember begging, and pleading with my mom, tears streaming down my face, to please please let me go. Life could not be so cruel as to keep me from him at this crucial moment. She had her doubts, but in the end relented and gave me permission to go.

I remember looking into his damaged eye, which now resembled a shattered pain of glass, and crying, promising each other eternal love. We held each other as the reality that he would not have a left eye, of all the changes that meant, set in. I recall men in uniforms coming into his room before his surgery, words being said, and a medal awarded to him. It was all seen through a hazy fog of shock and disbelief. The doctors told us how he would have to learn to walk again, and do things we took for granted, as his brain adjusted to having no vision on the left side.

After the surgery Mark was in a dark place, he was depressed, more so because he had to remain at Walter Reed for another 3 months before he was cleared to leave. I would write to him daily, and on the phone I would tell him stories of Job and all the trials he went through in the Bible, of others who had also suffered greatly. Little by little he came out of his depression, he came home, and our love deepened. We made it, and now began planning for our future, one different than the one we had in mind, but as long as we were together that was fine.

Two things happened during this time that I only see now in hindsight. The first is that Mark began to see me as a saint, as someone so perfect that they could do no wrong. He placed me on a pedestal and heaped love and praise upon me. The second is that he became afraid to try anything new without me, in fact though I only realize this now, he stopped doing anything at all unless I was involved. Essentially he became a hermit, only I didn't see it because when I was around him we were always out and about.

I was 20 at this point and we had been together for 4 years. We both lived with our parents, and though we were in love and planning ahead, something began happening to me. I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, or why, but suddenly I was quite sure that I didn't want to end up one of those women who only slept with one man all their life. I got an itch that I just had to scratch. Since I lived in NYC, and spent weekends going out partying with my friends, it wasn't long before I found someone to scratch it.

I won't get into details, as that's another story entirely, but I met a ruggedly handsome Irish man, and started what turned into a year long affair. It was a hot and steamy relationship filled with drama, and lies. During this time I lived in Queens with my parents, and Mark still lived in Brooklyn, so it was easy to keep the affair from him. Mark however, had had it with living at home, and wanted to move in together as soon as possible. I found us an apartment, ended my crazy affair, and announced to my family that I was moving out.


We got an apartment a few blocks from my mothers house and began our life. Oh man what a life. It was amazing. In our small cozy apartment our love blossomed, and grew into something new. Our bond deepened as we adjusted to life together. I learned to cook, and became a regular little Martha Stuart, with cookies always baking, and sumptuous meals. But still things weren't perfect. Mark hated my parents, and wouldn't allow them to visit (looking back I have NO IDEA why I didn't put my foot down on this), he also didn't like my friends too much, so it was just us. Looking back I now see he was insecure, and afraid to let the world in.  Instead of my friends coming over, I went to their houses (a lot). I also began drinking more often, something that later on would turn into full blown alcoholism. Mark began to raise my pedestal higher and higher, elevating me to a status of perfection that I tried to live up to each and every day. It was like I had two lives, my life with Mark, and my other life, where I drank, hung out at bars, and went out with my friends.

Years passed in this fashion, with me living two lives. The only difference was we moved two more times, and added traveling to our life. We went on 8 cruises together during these years, we explored the Caribbean, and had marvelous adventures. We stumbled upon Blackbeard's grave on a private Island in the Bahamas, we zip-lined in Haiti, and downed a bottle of Mama Juana on the beaches of Samana, DR., we went snorkeling, and fell in love with St. Thomas. It was amazing, and all throughout our love grew, and changed. Everything was great, as long as we were traveling. Now I realize that's because it was always just us, and people who we never saw or spoke to again, so it was easy for Mark to enjoy himself.  When we came home it was back to our separate lives. We did a lot together, went to eat at the best restaurants, gave each other amazing gifts, but it was all decoration.

In reality the relationship we started when we were just kids, had morphed and changed into something we simply refused to see. We were best friends, and yes we did love each there deeply, but we were no longer the same two kids that fell in love. We had started to grow in separate directions, yet we were in deep denial about it. I think now, that we were both afraid of what life without each other would be like. So instead we continued to travel, and even started planning a wedding. Yes we were that much n denial. Then came that damn itch again, subtle but always there, perhaps a way of telling myself I wasn't happy.

Mark's idea about my perfection had grown to such proportions that I found it hard to be at home at all. I felt like a Stepford wife, down to the cocktail hour, and the fancy aprons. It was becoming unbearable. So it helped that my job in marketing kept me far from home for must of the day. I was slowly coming to the realization that Mark was no longer in love with me, he was in love with this vision of me he had in his mind, and the real me, with all my faults, could never compete with that. I was in love with the kid who I met in high school, the man who I'd helped through the darkest hours of hi life, but that man was no longer there. It was hard to even think about this, so instead I drank a lot, turning my back on the whole problem, as if it would just go away. I couldn't bear to consider that I'd lost my soul mate, that the man who said our love could create miracles (yes, we loved the Notebook) might not be with me forever.

We grew further and further apart, as my work took up more of my time, and I started looking for excuses not to come home right away. During this time,  was working on a marketing campaign for Home Depot, and it involved me going personally to the stores in the Westchester area. It was here that while God was gently closing one door, he was also opening another. I was walking the store with a friend and fellow coworker (That's you Trecia!), going over the importance of talking to the customers, and went to emphasize that point by approaching one, when Fate smacked me in the face. He had the most amazing hazel colored eyes, and long blond hair (my god he actually looked like my favorite fictional hero Lestat), and he looked at me and simply said "You're beautiful."

I ran away. It's hilarious looking back, but yes I ran away because that's how flustered I was. But I couldn't leave the store as I was in the middle of performing my duties, and he was there picking out tile for a huge bathroom job. For the next to hours we kept bumping into each other in the store, as if we were two magnets constantly drawn together. Finally before he left, he introduced himself (Joe), and asked me out. I should have said no, I should have gone home, but I did none of that. Instead I said yes, and proceeded to enjoy the best date of my life. Our first date involved a free fall ride, and it was as thrilling as the man himself. Joe was an adventure for me, someone exciting with whom I could be myself. We began what was supposed to be a brief affair. God of course had other plans. 

Despite using birth control, I became pregnant two months later, and faced the toughest decision of my life. Do I get an abortion? I went to the clinic, I consulted with the doctor, I spoke about my options, and I have to honestly say that I considered it. I told Joe that I was pregnant, and he was happy. Yes it was unexpected, but he wanted to try to be a family, he wanted to try to give us a chance, and boy was he persistent about it. I had a lot to think about. How could I tell Mark? How could I destroy our lives like this? How could I do this to the man I'd loved for 15 years?

I was sitting in the doctors office thinking about planning an abortion, when I realized I wanted this baby. I wanted him or her no matter what the consequences were, and was finally ready to walk away. It was devastatingly hard to tell the love of my life that I was pregnant with another man's baby, but he was also my best friend, and I knew I could tell him. I remember sitting across from him, our relationship crumbling in ashes around us, as I held his hands, looked him in the eye, and told him the truth. I had been unhappy, I had been having an affair for 2 months, and was now pregnant and certain that it was Joe's baby. I expected to be told off, to be called every name in the book. Instead my best friend, the man I loved, held me and told me it would be ok. We would raise the baby as his, he would forgive me, and we would never speak of this again. Our love could perform miracles he reminded me, and we could do this.

I was flabbergasted. What? He wanted to stay together? He wasn't angry at me?  I was confused, and loved him enough to agree. We would try, I wouldn't tell anyone about Joe, and we would go on as if nothing happened, only with a baby. I must have been delusional to ever think that could work, but I was willing to give it a try. Joe however was not. We continued to see each other, and he was furious that I would consider raising our son without him. He was adamant that I give us a chance, that I couldn't be happy or else I wouldn't have been with him to begin with. Thoughts plagued me. Of my son in the future blaming me for not knowing his dad. How could I deny this man, who obviously wanted to be a family, the chance to know his son? How could I deny my son he chance to grow up with his father? I couldn't do that.

Thinking of Gabe, and what I wanted his life to be like when he entered this world, is what finally convinced me to act. I wanted my son surrounded by family, something that would never happen with Mark, an despite the fact that he never once expressed it, surely he had to be angry with me. That anger would fester, and grow, and poison not only our love, but also my Gabe. So I did the next hardest thing I've ever had to do, and told Mark that I couldn't stay with him. I had to give Joe, and our family a chance to flourish, I had to do it for Gabe, or else I would never forgive myself. It was a conversation full of tears, remorse, and sadness at the ending of our love story. There would be no more G-Sec and Shotty (personal reference), after 15 years of love, what we had was over. I cried for months, made more emotional by my pregnancy. Mark and I tried to remain in contact, our desire to be in each others lives, too powerful to simply fade. But it simply could not be, I could not take my old life into my new one. We had to really say good-bye.

Shedding tears as I write this, I remember our last meeting, the last time I saw his face, and I have a secret fear that the day will come when I cannot recall the face of the man I loved for so long. Our love may have changed, but it will never fade. If you are out there, if you are reading this, know that I will always love you, that it wasn't all bad and I was happy, it just wasn't to be. Not in this lifetime. And I am so so sorry for the pain I know I caused you, I would do it all so differently if I could. You were my first love, my best friend, and you will always have a place in my heart. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope you are happy.

Just like that one phase of my life was over, and my story with Joe begun. Our relationship wasn't easy. We didn't really know each other when we agreed to be a family and give it a shot. There were many ups and downs as we got to know each other, things were by no means perfect. There were fights and tears, but we were determined to try, and for the first time I could be myself at home. I started to rediscover who I was, and together Joe and I were making a home.  Our love developed slowly as we waited for Gabe to arrive, it didn't happen overnight. It happened gradually, as we  grew to respect each other, to appreciate each other for who we truly were.

 

 

The day Gabe was born everything changed for us. Joe was amazing in that hospital room, he kept me calm, and actively participated in the delivery. No one had told me that when my son was born, I would see his father through new eyes, and that my love for him would immediately deepen. When Gabe was placed in my arms, my heart exploded with joy, tears streamed down my face, I looked at Joe and finally understood love. This was love. Seeing someone for who they truly are, and loving them no matter what. I was a hot mess, but in Joe's eyes I saw only love, I had found someone who saw me, the real me, and loved me for it.

Three years have passed, and we moved half way across the country to finally find the place that is our home. Much like happened with Mark, my love with Joe changed as well, only instead of growing further apart we grew closer together. We learned together, and we decided that together we would try to be the best version of ourselves. He became my biggest cheerleader and supporter, he became my confidant and best friend, someone who truly knows the best and worst of me. Joe grew and changed right along with me, from a man who thought he would never marry, into the man who proposed on Christmas day. He became a family man, the kind of man who cooks all day on a weekend, the spends the rest of it outside with his son. You could say we grew up together, and that Gabe completely changed who we thought we were.

Joe accepted my family (the entire crazy clan) immediately and with open arms. He actually LOVED being around my family, which was an entirely new thing for me. He brought me into his own amazing family and they welcomed me as one of their own. The whole thing was a new experience for me, and one that I grew to love. I love Joe's (now our) family, they have been wonderful to me and to Gabe, and his mother and grandfather have become like my own. I know Joe loves my parents, and he makes an effort to make them feel included in everything we do. We are a happy united family. Gabe did that, our love did that, created a family out of two lost souls.

I feel blessed to have experienced love twice in my life. Yes it came with tears at times, and I made some terrible mistakes, but I wouldn't change a thing. Twice in a lifetime I got to experience a love so pure and true it can only be eclipsed by my love for Gabe, for that I will always be thankful. I look forward to marrying Joe this summer, to declaring our love, and sending it's promise out into the universe.

Love can perform miracles. I know, it happened to me twice.

Planning My Wedding: One Bride's Journey

This year is a big one for me. I turned 35, we will move to a much bigger place, my parents are moving down here, oh and I'm getting married to the man I love. So in preparation for my nuptials I have done..... absolutely nothing!!!!

I just realized the wedding is in 6 months, and while chapel, and venue are selected, that's pretty much all I've done. I haven't sent out invitations, made a seating chart, chosen music, flowers, or even dress. I know what I want, but haven't done a thing to get it done. Now it's time to hustle and get started on those preparations. Hey better late than never, or so they say.

The place I chose for the ceremony is the Chapel Dulcenea. A beautiful little place whose name has special meaning to me, since Don Quixote is one of the first stories I remember my dad reading to me.  The chapel has one of those views that allows one to marvel at God's greatness, that he can create such beauty. It is the perfect place for us to get married, a simple place filled with the wonder of God.

Now I am looking through countless invitation samples, ready to chose the one that will invite those we love to witness our union. I will do that this weekend. However, that now leaves the question of exactly who is coming to this shindig, in other words a guest list must be made. We don't want anything big, just those closest and dearest to us. Then there's the question of who could actually make it, seeing as how almost everyone we hold dear is in New York. Just thinking about this as I am writing, is making me want to pull out my hair. Having a wedding on a budget, where you are the bride and the wedding planner is not easy, it's downright maddening. Specially to someone who could usually give two shits about seating arrangements or flowers.

Once the invitations are sent, it will be time to deal with décor, centerpieces, the dreaded flowers (found a way around that!), and the dress. After scouring the internet,  I have more or less narrowed down how I want things to look. Now all I have to do is actually make it happen. This should be interesting to watch.

Turning 35...Not What I Planned.

In just 5 short days I will be 35 years old. God, I remember when I was 16 and thought 35 was middle aged (IT'S NOT!). My how the years did fly by. Now I sit here looking back, thinking about the plans I had for myself, and wondering...." What the fuck happened?". Life sure didn't turn out the way I planned, nope not one little bit.

When I was in high school and thought about the future this is what pictured when I thought of 35:

I'd be married to my high school sweetheart, working as a defense attorney for some high powered firm in Manhattan, and traveling a lot. By 35 I would be getting ready to have my first child, and we would start our family. We would live in the city, and constantly go to Broadway shows and dinner at the finest restaurants. It was my ideal life.

Well as I've learned in life you don't always get what you want, sometimes you get what you need.

Here's what actually happened:

 I Was with my high school sweetheart for 15 years, and we traveled all over the Caribbean. We stayed at fancy hotels, and ate dinner at the Rainbow Room, The Four Seasons, Serendipity, and other fine dining restaurants. We grew apart, and no matter how many fancy things we threw in to fill it, the gap in our relationship kept widening. We barely knew each other anymore, two strangers living together. Don't get me wrong there was plenty of love, but sometimes it's just not enough. Our relationship ended, the man with whom I'd spent half my life was no longer around.

As life closes one door another always opens. Enter a chance encounter at a Home Depot, a flirty and persistent man, and a wild and crazy fling. I was pregnant within 2 months, and now attached to a guy I didn't really know that well. We were in for one hell of a crazy ride, there were many ups and downs as we tried to get used to each other, and it certainly wasn't easy. But we hung in there determined to give whatever it was we had a chance to flower. It was well worth it. I was rewarded with a love stronger than anything I've ever felt, a love that grew stronger every day.

   
And Gabe, our amazing, wonderful, superhero. He came in like a whirlwind, took over everything, and brought with him the deepest, purest love. He completed us.

We moved halfway across the country to Texas, and found our home. We found the place where Gabe can grow up outside, living free, and without worry. Where it doesn't take me 30 minutes in a smelly subway or a hot bus to get to a park with lots of green space to roam safe. We found the place where we belong.

I found Beachbody, or rather Team Dream Big found me. They helped me lose the weight and depression I had been carrying. I found my passion for helping others, and now I also have my own business!!

Now as I am turning 35 I am looking forward to all the amazing things to come this year. We get married in July, and start planning for our second child. We will start traveling as a family, going on our first cruise with Gabe. The small business I started is growing into something I can be proud of. I am helping people and helping to change as many lives as I can. I am thankful to God everyday for all of these blessings, and for giving me the courage to take a risk and live outside my comfort zone.

I am eagerly looking forward to what this year will bring.

A New You for the New Year

It's the start of a new year, and 2015 brings with it endless possibilities. As the first day of the new year draws to a close I can't help but think back on all the things that happened in 2014. Like every year it had its highs and lows, laughter and tears, but it was also the start of the new and much improved me. It was the year I began my journey of fitness and personal development, it was the year I made major changes and saw big results. It was the year of Dreaming Big.

Here are some of the highs of 2014:

* Joined Beachbody & Team Dream Big
* Lost 65lbs
*Starting my own business as a coach, and earning $ with it.
*Moved into a bigger better apartment
*Flew Joe's mom down to visit
*My parents coming to stay the entire summer
*Joe getting hired for a great position
*Started home schooling Gabe
*Starting free challenge groups to help people
*Being able to buy all the Christmas gifts with money I earned from my Business.
*My cousin moving to same apartment complex
*Spending New Years at home with family.

Yep 2014 was a great year for me. I set goals for myself and did what I had to in order to accomplish them. I started taking personal development seriously, and taking the Smart Success training really helped to put my priorities in perspective. In 2015 I plan to continue changing for the better, to become the absolute best version of myself I can be. This new year I will devote myself to paying forward, and helping to change lives for the better. My goals for 2015 are:

*I will save $200 a month into Gabe's account.
*I will work my business and become a Diamond Coach.
*I will have my Beachbody income surpass my current salary, and become my primary income.
*I will work on personal development 3 times a week.
*I will continue to eat clean and workout 6-7 days a week.
*I will spend more family time doing outdoor activities.
*I will get married
*I will go on a cruise with Gabe & Joe
*I will work my business 5 days a week and adhere to a schedule.
*I will pay it forward and help 3 people a month.

You notice how I wrote "I will" down before every goal. That's because I'm putting it out there, letting the Universe know: This will happen! I will work consistently to meet my goals and I know I will accomplish them. There is no stopping me now that I am on this journey to improve not only my life, but the lives of others as well.

What are your goals for this new year? What will you do to accomplish them? Don't bother making resolutions, they are rarely ever kept. Instead make goals, and set a plan for how you will reach them. Always keep in mind that when we fail to plan, we plan to fail.

May 2015 bring you all nothing but happiness and prosperity. Thank you for sticking with me through the year. Here's to another one :)